Life ... it's a funny old thing

One of the things I had decided not to use my blog for was my blood and guts real life. It's not something that's on my mind all the time and it's not what I want to write of however it seems that my desire to present my world via things I've enjoyed or that interest me has offended some people.

No, no not those who matter ... or if so, they haven't bothered to write of it yet ... it is the strangers and hangers-on who have been morally outraged by my perceived smoozing it up in Europe.

Ahhh the dream of it. I have to laugh at the irony of meeting one of the only men I've ever known to pay child support in a generous and open manner after the divorce. (Don't be angry if you're another man doing the same ... it's only that I haven't met you, I promise.) Anyway, until I am allowed into this country as an official resident, my ability to earn is seriously compromised. They tend to throw out those who try a little 'under the table' work and having been threatened with jail for a pedestrian traffic infringement complicated by not carrying any ID, I'm not inspired to try it on here. I loved living in Istanbul, I come from New Zealand where I lived by the harbour with my own sea kayak ... Europe wasn't a plan, just this man.

I recently received a 9-page email (okay, so I put it into Word and noticed it was 9 pages long) from a person who, among other things, took over the benefits accrued in my old life. No, don't read bitterness here ... my divorce was an amicable one once we realised it was over .. . mostly amicable.

What intrigued me was the nature of the lecture from woman who has never met me ... I came out of the reading briefly confused about who I was and only reluctantly showed it to Gert, who came away stunned that someone could write what she'd written of me and things she had incomplete knowledge of.

I returned it to its own world via another more reliable source and set about forgetting it. It wasn't simple, there were more than a few poisoned darts that infected my life.

Meanwhile someone else, who chose to cloak themselves in anonimity in another country, began a quiet campaign of malicious comment on the blogs of friends, and oddly enough, it began to seem that my world had become crazier that ever ... not something lightly said when you've lived as I have.

I had these Tourette-like comments being made on my life ... and just like a sufferer of this disease, I had no control over those outbursts of others.

In strolls expat-Alison, a voice of such practical reason that I couldn't argue with her as she listened and was wise about my recent experiences ... and as we talked away the day over coffee and pasta, it finally became clear to me that it's not about trying to control how others think of me ... why should I; it's not even about trying to please everyone else, it's about getting on with my own life ... about doing the best that I can and that being enough.

In the past, I have occasionally asked for advice ... most particularly before heading off to Turkey after the divorce; a brand-spanking new university degree in my 35+ year old hand. A 16-year marriage and 4 geographical relocations, I was a mostly stay-at-home-mum due to the lack of employment opportunities in small town New Zealand, and so we ended up furthering the career of my then husband. Something we never considered in this period was 'life after the divorce' ... and so it goes that that life left me with the earning capability and career experience of a newly-graduated university student, with student loan debt ... that being exactly what I was in 2002, at an age when so many are successfully entrenched in a career.

So I was Turkey-bound with the blessing of many ...

But I did have to leave behind a daughter I love and admire more than anyone else in the world, even if she is surely responsible for more than a few of my grey hairs. She has the heart of a lion, she's intelligent, funny, insightful, and mocking in a way that lets you know that she's seen right through you. These last few years haven't been easy for her as she has struggled to live her life to a powerful drumbeat I didn't quite recognise.

I also left behind a life that I knew and understood; a half-written book of interviews with NZ climbers, one that had made it through to a second publishing meeting only to be rejected on the grounds it probably wouldn't have a big enough audience to be financially attractive to the publishing company back in those days, (and they told me all this in a way that made me happy to have had my first literary offering get that far). Of course I left things that I often miss deeply; family and friends, fresh air and open spaces, and an English I understood and could speak without a hail of mocking about vowel usage. But it seemed like the best option ... to grow fast, I had to explore other career paths and countries.

Justification over, I've made mistakes obviously but being briefly Catholic I have my own guilts to live with. But the last 24 hours has been about my hope that I've learnt something from the sadness that I've experienced in recent weeks ... I think that I've finally learnt that no one can really control their own life; you can own the illusion but stuff happens and you have to roll with it all and go on.

Normal blogging service shall now be resumed ... those who suffer from uncontrollable outbursts may do as you please ... or as you must.

Tot straks.