Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Welcome to the New Zealand sense of Humour

Generally, New Zealanders find humour in most situations and one of the more common ways to do this is to tell an immensely good lie when someone asks a stupid question.

I once made a couple of visiting Australian rugby players believe that my small hometown was under police curfew after 10pm. We were walking home after a party and they ended up hiding in someone's garden with me as a police car went slowly past.

I may have also mentioned our police were armed with machine guns.

The problem is that if people believe that particular part of our population who tell tall tales for amusement, we tend to take that as encouragement to continue, until the story becomes so outrageous that laughter takes over.

Belgians don't take to these 'stories' well. I discovered it on entering the country at immigration. The man there was very stern with my flippant reply as to why I was visiting and I was quick enough to realise that my kiwi habit of answering a stupid question with an outrageous reply might land me in more trouble than I cared to be in.

When the policeman was intent on putting me in jail for not carrying my passport or any form of ID here in Antwerp, I had this little voice in my head repeating over and over ... 'Don't laugh Di, it's not funny'. 'Don't joke Di, he's serious'. Don't laugh Di, it's not funny'.

It got me through something that I would have normally mocked my way through ...

So, find below the sort of thing a New Zealander might say when free to be amusing and downright mockingly rude ...

These replies were posted on an NZ Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kiwi birds in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: Are there any ATMs(cash machines)in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch and Queenstown ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
New - Zea -l and is that island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in NZ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: - New-zea - l a is that quaint little country , which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Auckland city , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ , but I forget its name. It's a kind animal and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Thanks for reminding me Sands.


Manictastic said...

Oh my god, you guys are funny.

Di Mackey said...

We think we are so if you're mocking me Meneer Manic well ... I'm just going to ignore it ;)

Manictastic said...

For once I was not pretending to be the kiwi :D

V-Grrrl said...

My kind of place. When asked by a Belgian student who presently held the power in my country, I replied "White men in dark suits." Hmmm. Sounds like Europe.

Di Mackey said...

Lol, sorry Manic :)

I've already informed the border guards v-grrrl, should you wash up on New Zealand shores, they know of your humour and you're marked down as integrated and socially orientated.