Tuesday, August 29, 2006

It's difficult to know what to write at the moment ... sometimes things present themselves, other times I just write, trusting that people make their own choices about reading or not.

My blog is my electronic journal but because of its public positioning I have been cautious about what I made public just because 'all' can be boring and private is sometimes simply private. However the reward of the public nature of it has been, without doubt, the incredible people I've met out here in the blog world ...

A few years ago, I began a belated degree in literature and within months my mother was diagnosed with advanced and terminal cancer. Although married, I was fortunate enough to be living with my parents while I studied in the city and so I was there while my mother was dying, and then alone with my father a while before my (then) husband and my (always) daughter bought us a house and moved up to the city.

Life goes on but a death like that always changes things for better or worse and within a couple of years I had lost my marriage ... it's a story I once started to tell under the title 'A death, a degree and a divorce' - a title that covered almost all.

Degrees in literature are of limited use and divorce, even after 16 years, brings a certain poverty with it and so it was that I flew out to my new job in Istanbul, moving worlds after a year as a divorcee ... southern to northern hemisphere, leaving my 16 year old daughter back home with her dad.

4 years later and here I am living in Belgium ... making a new life, and creating a space for my daughter and granddaughter, trying to manage the complications of things back home in New Zealand while getting them here.

I might be distracted in the months ahead. Reasons will vary ... there's the sadness, the frustration; the occasional small moments of joy when it all looks like it will happen ... and oh, did I mention the entirely new sets of paperwork.

Let's see what happens.


Lisa said...

I wonder why, when you're trying the hardest, all the trials seem to hit at once. My sincere condolences on the loss of your dear mother. I know what it's like having a daughter on the other side of an ocean, too. I wish you much luck in bringing your family closer together. I'm looking forward to hearing how this story unfolds.

woman wandering said...

I wonder too, why things often happen together although perhaps the resulting challenge to your everyday security and ideas creates a burst of growth that, when you look back, can be a good thing.

I wrote of it because it's incredible how crushed I can feel when the smallest thing goes wrong these days, and the first thing I lose is my ability to blog.

And this morning I can smile as I write, and when I feel like that, I just want to sit very still and feel sad.

V-Grrrl said...

"A death, a degree, a divorce"

And then Turkey, love, Belgium, marriage, and grandmotherhood. Holy Cow!

Sometimes the stories we don't tell are our biggest stories. True on my blog--I've shared a lot but not the Big Things That Changed My Life.

paris parfait said...

You've certainly been through some challenging times! I really hope you can manage the paperwork necessary to get your daughter to Belgium. I'm sure you'll feel better if she's nearby. Last night my daughter phoned from San Francisco - the first time she's visited since we left the city in 1999. It's difficult being so far apart. Speaking of which, any sign of the package?

woman wandering said...

Holy cow indeed ... you made me laugh because although I could pull it all together under one title, there was definately no feeling of 'holy cow!' while it was all going on.

Hi Paris, the package ... no, I'll write as soon as it comes. I thought 'maybe today' but there was nothing.

And my daughter ... I would adore having her and my granddaughter closer. Let's see how that goes, there are so many factors and people involved that it's becoming stunningly complicated - hence the stress.